I'm sorry my penis didn't work
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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