i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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