just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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