if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
