Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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