The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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