I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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