I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
