I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
