I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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