i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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