So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I am mentally ready for anal.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
