The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
