The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
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Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
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You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut