remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.