Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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