Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Is Oprah even human
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
