That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
