Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
