You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
the day after is always just damage control
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Randomize
