I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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