I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
