Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
