I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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