My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
