I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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