she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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