I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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