conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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