y did u give ur computer a hand job?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
