I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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