They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
