More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
