I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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