Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
