I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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