I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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