i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
