PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
