My liver just broke up with me...
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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