Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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