saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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