Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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