he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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