We need to start having sex underwater more often.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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