I'm drive I can fine osifer
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
