So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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