Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
