The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
