I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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