I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
