Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
