omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
