I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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