I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Girls should come with a carfax report
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
