So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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